How some household foods got their name: Spam Luncheon Meat: Combines the SP from spice and the AM from ham. Baby Ruth candy bar: Originally called Kandy Kake, it was renamed in the 1920s to honor a contemporary celebrity - ex- President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Ruth, the first child born in the White House. She was known to the public as "Baby Ruth" despite the fact she was in her late twenties. Tootsie Roll: Leo Hirschfield, an Austrian immigrant, originally hand-rolled the candies for his daughter, Tootsie. Crackerjacks: This unnamed combination of peanuts, popcorn and sugar had been around since the 1870s, but was bulk- shipped in wooden crates; when it arrived in stores, it would be stuck together in massive lumps. In 1890, the company finally licked the problem with a new sugar-coating process. A salesman tasted it and exclaimed "That's cracker jack!" The phrase was slang at the time for something great or excellent. Chef Boyardee: Boy-ar-dee is a phonetic spelling of the inventor's name - Hector Boiardi. An Italian immigrant and restaurateur, Boiardi devised the recipe in a small room above his Cleveland restaurant in 1929. Oreo Cookies: Oreo means hill in Greek. The original version of the cookie was mound-shaped, not flat. Fig Newtons: In 1895, a new machine was installed at a Massachusetts cookie company called the Kennedy Biscuit Works. Among the machine's capabilities: it could wrap cookie dough around jam. The first jam the company tried it with just happened to be "made from figs." And since their policy was to name their products after neighboring towns, Newton, Mass. was honored in the title. Budweiser Beer: In the 1870s, German-born Adolphus Busch and his partner produced a light-colored beer, inspired by a beer they'd seen brewed in Budweis, Czechoslovakia. Quotes From Steven Wright - "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark." - "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job." - "When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded." - "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out." - "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criti- cism." - "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it." - "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." - "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?" - "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." - "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" - "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!" - "I intend to live forever - so far, so good." - "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." Rules of Housekeeping 1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption. 3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone. 4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?" 5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this. 6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children. 7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive." 8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..." 9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..." 10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..." Remember When... A computer was something on T.V. from a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment A program was a T.V. show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3" floppy you hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened in your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web site was a spider's home and a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! Tips On Building A Resume Here's some tongue-in-cheek advice to build the resume that will get you hired! THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad. THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic! THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two. THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean:"Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position." EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT." EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system... Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at FoodGiant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live." YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD When... * Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. * You feel like it's the "morning after", but you didn't go anywhere the night before. * You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going. * You bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?" * You sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal. * People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" * Dialing long distance wears you out. * Your little black book contains names ending only in "M.D." * Your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both Senior discounts. * You have as students the grandchildren of your former students. * You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. * Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today." * You're proud of your lawn mower. * The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife. * You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. * The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your glasses. * You watch a pretty girl go by and your pacemaker makes the garage door open. * You finally know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions! ANALOGIES & METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS * Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. * His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free. * He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from exper- ience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. * She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. * She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. * Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. * He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. * Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. * Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. * John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming- birds who had also never met. * Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. * The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. * The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. * He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. * He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. * It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl." "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of child- birth?" "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!" "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." Murphy's Laws of Work A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 50's, 60's and 70's! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL. And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it? Advice For Scary Situations (From Horror Movies) * When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. * When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone. * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. * If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. * If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you. * Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body. * Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...) * Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead. * If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast. * Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds. * If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away. * If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.